As I was sitting on my rock this morning, thinking about the Lord and doing my devotions, my mind kept wandering. I found myself thinking about August 22, at 5-something in the morning, when my family and I were on our way to the Indy airport. I was scared that morning, filled with fears, what-ifs, sadness, and even a bit of regret. I doubt that anyone else in my family could tell you what we were listening to during that hour-long drive, but I remember.
Dad had his iPod playing, and one song popped on that hit me deeper than anything. "Your Love" by Sonicflood came on and filled the truck. I was staring out the window at the dark, flat land, and thinking about all that I was leaving behind. When I heard the song start, I knew it was a familiar one, but it was also one of the songs that I only knew from childhood. It had been years since I recalled singing along with those words, and they were long forgotten in my mind. As I listened to the refrain, which is how the song starts out, tears filled my eyes.
"Your love, give me Your love
To fill up my heart.
Your peace, give me Your peace
To comfort my soul.
Your joy, give me Your joy
To shine through the dark.
Change me oh Lord,
For my life is Yours!"
Love, peace, and joy, I found myself silently praying those lyrics until the song's end. I hadn't realized until now that I was really praying as I listened to, registered, and cherished each word that came through those speakers. However, God heard the prayer, the prayer that I didn't even know I was giving. He's answered that prayer so thoroughly, and I can't believe I've overlooked so much of it!
Love. Leaving behind my family, seeing all of my friends go on with their lives, feeling an immense fear of not only what awaited me in Mexico, but also what I would have to come home to when I finished my 6 month stay, saying it was hard doesn't scratch the surface. God knew all that, He knew I would feel alone, so He gave me blessing after blessing here. He called two young women to work here at the same time as me. He blessed Refuge Ranch with amazing staff and children who not only are good at distracting you from sadness, but are also godly individuals who know what to say when you need to hear a few words. God's given me a family here, through Vicky and Krista, through every child here, through Victor who can remind me of my dad and has put a smile on my face countless times from that fact alone. He's blessed me with love from Mireya who always has a word of encouragement, a hug, or even a faith that can keep me going. The Lord's also given me a love for the nature in general. The hills, "my rock," the park, our freezing school, the view of Popocatepetl, even the way of life here, it's all become "home." I woke up this morning and smiled, "Home sweet home," I sighed to myself.
Peace. There's no doubt that I was anything but peaceful August 22. Even as I pulled up in front of the house for the first time, I was a bundle of nerves. I won't say that life's easy, or that it's always calm. It's never calm here, but there's peace. As I've settled in here, as I've gotten used to the fact that nothing is ever quite the same, and that anything can happen, God's given me peace. I remember at camp this past summer, there was a day when we were told to find our own little place. We were then told to close our eyes and let go of everything in our minds, to give any concern or care to the Lord in that moment. When we did, we were told to listen, nothing more but to listen and relax. On that day, many of us experienced the peace of God. I've used that experience several times. I've gone to my rock and relaxed. I've gone up the mountain in the morning grumbling that I make myself get up so early or that there's other things I could be doing, but I come down singing, dancing, and prayerfully talking to the Lord. He's given me peace to take on each day with an open mind and heart. If it weren't for that peace, the knowledge that He will carry me through the roughest parts of the day, I could not be teaching English and Kindergarten, reading with kids regularly, working in the school every morning, and still maintain my sanity.
Joy. Now for the best one of all. Back in the US, I had my limits. The easiest way to explain it is that I acted as mature as possible as much as possible. I sat out of fun because it seemed immature or too much. Here, I've been shown a joy, a true joy. In serving, in playing, in putting a smile on a face. "It's better to give than to receive." I've heard it a million times, I knew more or less it was true, but when I got here, some of their giving seemed insane. My first week and kids were asking for my water; if I bought a snack, everyone wanted to share with me, but now, it's second nature. You want a drink, here's my bottle; you want to listen to music, here's my MP3; you want to check out my Kindle, ok, just be careful. Here, would you like a cookie? It's nothing to give away something you don't need, and to see a face glow, it's something else entirely. Then there are the movie nights, the make overs, the random dancing and running. How many times did I tell my cousin, "No you can't do my hair!" but here, I've let a 10-girl old and a 12-year old do my make-up and hair; I've let Angie do strange hairstyles; I've danced like a 3 year-old in the living room; I've given away things, and I've accepted things; I've gone sliding with David and played Wii with Joce. They've joked that they'll make me crazy before I leave, but I think they'll just make me a human finally.
Lord, thank you for the love you've shown me, the peace you bring me daily, and the joy that you've opened my eyes to.
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